I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
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My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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