Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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