I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
