You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Houston, we have a squirter
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
