Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
