I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
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Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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