I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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