mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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