I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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