Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
