this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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