I just pynch a tree in the face
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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