I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?