why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
