i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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