He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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