Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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