so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
