gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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