i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
