just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
