you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
