Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
