Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
