Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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