FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
