I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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