woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
