i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
