Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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