seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
