I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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