heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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