I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
