so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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