I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize