drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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