She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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