I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
