Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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