Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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