Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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