i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
As shirtless as possible
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
