fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
stop calling my apartment porn island.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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