you would pick up someone in the library
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
