just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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