You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
