you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
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He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.