my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
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Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
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Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.