If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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