please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
