I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
