She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
