Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
