remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
