Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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