he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
