Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
